Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.