[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Good morning, Twitter x
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made