*puts words between two asterisks*
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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.