Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.