My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.