Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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my mom making me talk to relatives
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
look at me when i’m typing to you
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak