I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
kids play hide and seek like
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Why is this me 😫
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
cyclists
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids