My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
philosophical skeletons be like
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
No way!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.