“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆