Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My teenage children choosing violence
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”