Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
TODAY
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
no refunds
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device