Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
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Phones down.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Damn he played himself
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I can’t wait!
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”