🏙👨🏼
You Might Also Like
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
We have a winner.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.