Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My new favorite headline
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Florida be like…
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
dam girl
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.