I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting