Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”