If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?