At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down