[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Monday
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg