Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
next question.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Meow?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire