We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.