Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
me after drinking all the wine:
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS