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A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective