My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.