I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well