Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
How I like cutting carbs
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.