“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work