Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You Might Also Like
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months