POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
What my back needs
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15