We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?