Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough