I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
You Might Also Like
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”