I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.