Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
You Might Also Like
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!