Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*