I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are