*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Taliband
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
That 👊