Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Autocorrect completely socks
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.