The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
This is amazing.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..