Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“The Perfect Relationship”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.