bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
You Might Also Like
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*