You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.