Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*power walks to the refrigerator*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.