TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
You Might Also Like
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁