Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
You Might Also Like
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
When I laugh on my period
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound