if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Are we there yet?…
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”