“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You Might Also Like
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul