Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
me
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*gets down on one knee*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable