DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Had an epiphany today.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.