Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Incredible customer service.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
congratulations to them
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.